May

Cutting myself some slack. Giving myself a break.

These are things that do not come first nature to me. And it almost feels wrong.
I always have just kept going, kept doing, kept working.
Now I just feel like every time I try to keep going, I run SMACK into a wall.


Since May has begun, its like a band-aid ripped off of a gaping wound.

Asia - a Beautiful Soul - a great friend - a Mother - MURDERED. Just two short days after Mother's day two years ago now. This year May 11th, is this Friday. I still have a hard time processing she is gone.

Mom - MY MOM.. She managed to survive through the last 2 mother's days. That Hellish, last less then 2 years of her life. I had the first row seat at watching her wither away right before my eyes. and now she's gone. no more withering, she is ashes. I incredibly miss my mom. My mom was my rock, she knew something was wrong before I did, she knew me, she loved me, she wasn't perfect, so she never expected me to be.

It's so hard not to be bitter, its hard not to blame, its hard not to be mad at what people didn't do, or how people didn't help. But that, THAT is not worth my time or energy. That is a waste of it. Processing the loss itself is HARD enough.. I haven't even let myself go there to that wasteland of blame. I need all the energy I have to just keep it together everyday, to just get dressed in the morning. to be a  mom myself, and a "wife" of sorts. It helps to do the everyday tasks, but it does feel like a distraction. Though I think over all, keeping going is a good thing, but allowing yourself a day or two, here or there, to let it all out and not have expectations is healing too. And is what I have been needing this last week. or I'd keep hitting that wall, sooner and sooner every day.

This April was an emotional month too, so kind of just wish I had a reprieve between April and May.. but I guess I will just have to wait for June :)

I am thankful for all my friends and for Nick, Cole and Hayden.
It is hard for me to be around Mother's and Daughter's together, inside I just want to scream and run away. But that reaction is getting less. And a note: Nothing is worth not talking to your mom. Always forgive. You never know when the last day will be. So don't squander them.

Happy Mother's Day

We will be celebrating My Mom on Saturday at the Valley Fair season opener :) My mom and I spent many a mothers day screaming on the rides, which i think is just what I need this year! Here's Mom last year with the Boy's (and Nick and I) at Valley Fair :)

Thanks for reading. 

-Natalie