oxygen

sometimes when I am trying to fall asleep at night I still feel like I can hear the compression noises from my moms oxygen machine. it pished and buzzed and whistled, man we hated that thing. but she needed it and so we dealt with it. the more fans and humidifiers the merrier, to try and help drown out that god awful noise.

some nights i would give anything to hear it. cause if that was on, at least i knew she was breathing.

i know she would want me to be happy. and ya know most of the time i am.

i am good at seeing all sides of a situation, imagining every scenario that could be played out, explaining every possible out come or reason. Seeing the whole picture whether i want to or not. so in that respect i feel i have handled this well. i know it isn't over, i don't know that grieving ever really stops. once a person is missed, they will always be missed, and you will always have the memories of them, the great, the good and the not so good.

i think a lot of times my feelings come out sideways.

i think it is okay to cry and be sad that she is gone. but all in the same breath, i am glad she is not in pain.. emotionally, physically, mentally.. i wish that she was here to continue experiencing life with me, but i am thankful for the time we had.

i miss her insight, but usually if i really dwell on the subject at hand, i feel hat she would say does eventually come to me, maybe not as quickly as she would have told me.. but soon enough.

i miss her laugh, her chuckles, her smerks. i miss her calling me into her room to watch an episode of frasier at night, and then we would watch 3 or 4. and before we knew it watched every single episode, from the pilot all the way to the finale. i still watch them when i miss her.. luckily i did inherit the whole collection.

i don't have regrets with my mom, we were always open and honest, we did get upset in the heat of the moment and maybe say things we didn't necessarily mean but in the end we always corrected our wrong words, with loving apologies and hugs.

whatever time i spent away from her, i needed inorder to keep my sanity. and i believe she knew that, even though id get the occasional remark that i was being selfish. and maybe i was, but if i dont think about myself .. who else would.

being a caretaker your life is spread so thin. now that i am not taking care of her, and i have all this room in my brain to think about other things, i find myself stressing out about smaller issues or making situations bigger then they need to be. i am severely guilty of over thinking every single thought that comes across my mind.

it is still hard to relax. i still feel guilty, going out with friends, or doing something for myself. i mean i have gotten better but the thoughts are still there. i am making conscious effort to change these thoughts every time i think them. but man paving the way for a new thought process is not the easiest job.

i miss you my dear mother, but i am so very thankful for the 30 years we had together in all the joys and sorrows and even 'boring' times.   oh how i love you. that is one thing i will never stop doing.

~your darling daughter

(what i wrote last year)