a year ALREADY?

Time sure does fly.. I feel like it was last September yesterday, most days. Sure doesn't feel like a year since my mom has been gone. 1am on September 19th she died, so her last full day was the 18th. That was one long night.. talking with two of my mom's best friends, resting.. and waiting for the funeral/cremation society to come and take her body.. Her spirit was gone already and then they took her body away, by about 4am, I think. Then we all tried to sleep.. for me a very un-restful coma like sleep. The afternoon of the 19th going through pictures started, I had already started picking some to print off on the 18th.
Hayden saw my mom at about 10:30pm on the 18th. She could hear him, she smerked.. but she was already fading. . she was leaving us, leaving the pain.. leaving Hayden, leaving me..
Grief can make you feel so alone.. but your not, your not alone in the pain of losing someone, someone dear.. sadly most all of us have experienced such loss. So we can lean on one another.
Of course no one knew my mom like I did, and no one knows me like she did. But that's okay, that's what made our relationship special. That's what made me her daughter and her my mom.. and no one elses.
Later on the 19th, we met with the funeral home, and tried to think of everyone who i needed to call. Since she died on a Monday morning.. her funeral notice wouldn't make it into a Sunday bulletin, at either of the churches she had faithfully attended. The Funeral was set for the Thursday the 22nd, some family were able to make it to town, and some could not. Many, many people came to the funeral, my mom knew so many people and made many special connects with people she may have only met or talked too a few times.
My mom, Donna, she had that charisma, that relational personality, that even when you just met her.. you felt like you already knew her, she was comforting and confronting all in the same moment. She could read most people like a book with in the first few times meeting them.

Just found this, "She loved you so much. Everytime she spoke of you you could see the love she felt for you. It lit up her face. She was so proud of you and will always be with you." on one of the online guestbooks. It is so true.. she lit up when she talked about me and then once I had Hayden the light got even BRIGHTER!

I forget sometimes, that I'm not the only person left with a hole now that my mom is gone, so many people loved her and miss her and counted on her being around longer.

Hayden still sleeps with stuffed animals my mom fixed, blankets she used, blankets I used, the TC I bought him cause my mom loved the Twins so much and the quilt she made him, and he has her water pillow. I can tell he misses her more on days he asks if I can sleep with him, but I don't and we fill his bed with all the things that remind him of his grandma.And give him a few more hugs and kisses.

When she first got sick.. we talked about making videos of her for hayden, for different days or years.. I wish we had done that, but it was such a hard thought for us to process her even being gone..

I wish when you died, you could still be reached via phone call or email. .

It has been a HUGE growing up couple of years, especially just the last year for me.
So here's to more growing up.. :)

~Natalie