Blog Anniversary

First Splatalie Blog

So its 4 years ago tomorrow that I started this blog.. So much has changed.. SO MUCH! sheesh its like a movie or something. 

I have actually been blogging since April of 2002,

 First EVER blog 

 It is Hilarious.. that whole blog is.. I have grown up and learned and changed so much. And if you are thinking what I am.. you would be thinking : I'd sure hope so NATALIE :) 

(after I read some of my old blogs this is what I decided to write.. )

I think hurts in life make you grow up faster.. and I don't think it is necessarily a good thing, because when we are younger and those deep hurts happen we haven't learned how to process things.. and so we just forge a path on our own.. not knowing how those little decisions and ways of thinking are going to stay with us our whole life. Like ways we get through things.. or how we cope or don't cope.. how we share or worry.. or not share or worry.. process or just black out life's major events. 

I started noticing this during my divorce, but i wasn't ready at all to deal with my head.. so I self medicated and  tried my very best to not think about what I was doing.. or how I was treating myself, really.. really I was ignoring myself, and paying attention to EVERYTHING but me. Which is odd, because a lot of people would probably look at that part of my life and say I was being selfish and self centered.. and I can see how it looks that way.. But that was me ignoring the real problem. The problem where I had been hurt to my core. My heart that was already fragile had been smashed beyond recognition. I was a shadow of the woman I had thought I was. A shadow is not much. .. not much at all. 

I realized again last week. That I have been carrying all these hurts.. every single one.. all the way back to when i can remember I was 3 or 4 years old. Every jab, every mean word, every action and lack of action that affected me.. and hurt me. It is still here.. still a thought, a memory, right in the front of my mind. And because of all these hurts I have a huge fear of hurting other people (believe it or not) I might be severely sarcastic at times.. but I would never intend to hurt anyone and if I did.. it would kill me inside. On the other side.. of it though, when someone hurts me.. I never forget it. it becomes a deeper and deeper scar as the days years or even decades go by. Some of the hurts inside of me are like canyons. deep and bottomless. 

I know I need to forgive, and at times I thought I had.. but bandaid forgiveness only lasts as long as you can pretend its there. The longest bandaid i can remember is 3 years long. after awhile it gets confused with denial. 

I am learning about new mind pathways.. developing new ways to think about things and deal with things.. and not just go through life on our own 'hurts constructed' auto-pilots. It is similar thinking to "take every thought captive" like pay attention to your thoughts: negative, positive, fleeting, stewing, worrying.. and examining it, and decide if it is worth it.. is it worth getting mad about again... or is it worth feeling like shit again.. or is it worth your time and energy.. if its not 'Put the thought/memory down'.. don't allow it to drag on in your mind and ruin anything more than it already has (in the past). 

I do, need to remember that I am not all bad.(which is something I constantly remind myself, because I don't always believe it) My hurts have helped me to be who I am, and that is not a bad person, but it does make me feel crazy at times.

I need to grow and pay attention to the good things.. the positives, the Loves in my life. and not so much of the hate and hurt. It is a constant hourly battle in my mind. that I hope to conquer more and more everyday. I wish I could just find the switch :) but its a slow process just like most of life's lessons.  

well that's a page in my thoughts today.

~Natalie