Blogging

.. blogging has dwindled because it's reality.. and I haven't been wanting to deal with all of reality.. when it comes to all that happened in the last few years, My typical response it to block it out and move on.. but with BIG things .. well that just DOESN'T CUT IT!

So ignoring my blog.. has sufficed a little bit in my avoidance, of the reality, of the inevitable.. that life is going on without people I love who I wish were apart of it.. 

I have written in my journal twice this month which is the first time in probably a year.. a few people told me to journal around and about when my mom passed .. but I couldn't and I don't really care to remember her like she was in the end.. it was hard enough to see when it was happening.. why would I want to write about it.. so I can re-live it later?? I think not.. 

I did spend an hour this moth reading through a couple of my mom's journals.. which really just made me mad... they were ones she had, had out.. and was re-reading.. I think she had cancer WAY longer then it was diagnosed and it pisses me off that people she told about her issues just "poo-poo" ed it.. and said oh that can't be cancer, your over-reacting... it enrages me.. and I'm sure it did her too, when she looked back, I'm sure she blamed herself.. but it's what happened... ya know? what can you do now.. all the "what if"s" and shit.. you just can't let yourself go there... you just can't or you will drive yourself crazy.. 

I didn't start blogging today to write more about my mom... it just kinda comes out.. I think I unconsciously think about her all the time.. which I try to ignore because ... man, its just so HARD to even think about or deal with.. and until I sit down and write, I never know how to put into words how I feel ... and sometimes I don't even realize how I feel until I sit and think.. which is why I continually stay busy .. with one thing or another. ..

I am doing one huge step of healing for myself this week, tomorrow is my last day working my mom's job at the chiropractor, the job she wanted to go back to when she was well, the job I held for her... the job she loved, and I didn't. But I loved her enough to do it for her.. I love those patients and will miss seeing them and talking with them, and sharing life with them.. but it was my mom's job... it was never mine. even though I tried, to make it mine, and take ownership over it.. It just never felt like the right fit. I can't fill my mom's shoes.. not in anyway, not at all.. I have my own shoes.. and that's okay.

I've cried a lot this month.. not a huge fan of crying.. but ya have to get it out right? ..

~Natalie