Fighting my Feelings

I have been trying to actively fight my depressed feelings this week. 8-14-08 .. is coming.. and you can look back if you want to .. to see that .. that was the day my marriage well, for lack of a better word.. DIED

I am a dramatically different person now then who I was 3 years ago. In all forms or the word dramatic ha. looks, friends, beliefs, heart issues.. self worth, self preservation, out look on life, thought processing. . . I am just plainly put a new version of my old self.. that has updated so much that i am hardly who i was. And I thoroughly revel in that. I did not like that person one bit.. which is why so oftenly i thought about .. not being around.  Dying was a thought that more than occasionally flooded my mind through out my last few years of marriage.. and considering i was married under 5 years... um .. not so great. So probably ages .. 24,25 and 26 were the worst.

So this week.. those thoughts those OLD thoughts and feelings were creeping in.. all the "what if's" and "why me's" and "why not me's" .. all the 'poor natalie' thoughts... So here I am! acknowledging those thoughts, those feelings.. and ya know what.. I'M DONE! done with it. I am NATALIE.. the natalie i am today not that natalie i was 3, 4 or 5 or 10 years ago. I will always just be who I am now.. not who I was.

I may not be happy all the time. But I do LOVE MY LIFE. I do love the people in my life. I do.

I also love the people who are of the past in my life. i needed them and they needed me for whatever those reasons were. and I love and accept that. but i also know moving on can be a good thing. not an easy thing by any means. but a good thing. for all sides. So this is me .. completely letting go of those past friendships/relationships.. no matter how good or bad they were.. no matter how long or short they were.. no matter how good or bad they began or ended. They all were what they were. and I know I haven't always been the best person or best friend. I know I have hurt people along the way. and I am sorry, whether they chose to believe me, and accept that, or not.

I allowed the relationships to take form and I allowed them to end. And this is me letting them go.

And this is me accepting who I am in all parts good and bad. I love who I am, oddities and all. I am a good friend. I am a good mom. I am a good daughter. I love my jobs, I love my clients and patients. I love those who have hurt me.. even though sometimes i still hate them too. I love my silliness, my sarcasm.. my smart ass-ness. I love how I never know what color to paint my own nails or what to ever do with my hair. I love that I change my clothes 3 times every morning. I love that I change my alarm at night so I "like" the number of hours I sleep.. even though sometimes it screws up my whole morning. I love Starbucks, and small obscure coffee shops. I have a love/hate relationship with how busy i always am. but always enjoy the time I spend with who I spend it with. I love taking the time to write run on sentences on my lovely blog late at night :) I love my mom and my son and all my close friends, you are my world.

I love my life. to go from hating it just a few years ago.. is amazing.. to go from wanting to die and thinking everone would be better off with out you.. to thinking I can do this, i want to do this.. this thing called life. to enjoy every minute i am given. every moment i can smile at my mom or hug my son or laugh with a friend is sooo much more worthwhile then ever before.

I do love Natalie. And it has taken me a very long time to get to this point. But I am extremely thankful for all those people around me.. who never knew how i felt .. but always smiled and always loved and always took the time to talk or comment, or just be with me.

Thank you. Somedays you never realize how you keep a person walking on this earth with even a simple smile .Thank you for the smiles.

~Natalie