I've been through a Break Up...

But not the kind people really talk about. It is much more common to talk about a break up with a significant other or possibly even a family member. But Friends Breaking Up.. is a very uncommon conversational topic.. Typically friends just slowly grow apart over time..  Its usually not an official cut and dry thing.. 

Any relationship that is lost, becomes a Grieving process. Relationships require LOVE. Friendships are Relationships.. just a different variety then a Couple. 

Last year I had two of my then very best friends walk away from me, for their own peace. 

This sentence even now is hard for me to even write. there is so much wrapped into it. First off.. for someone to be able to walk away, I feel they mentally started separating long before the official ending. Similar to a couple divorcing.. it doesn't just happen one day, its many months, possibly years, in the past to get you to the Break up day. And as we slowly slip away from each other we choose not to see it, to pretend in a way, that everything is okay.. But Its NOT. ..

 'for their own peace' for them to need that.. I just feel they weren't seeing me for me.. I feel we just weren't aligning anymore.. we weren't bringing out the best in one another... And after a year of healing.. I'm realizing we were connected because of our hurts in life and not exactly joys.. which does happen often but I know over the last 4 years I have been healing and blooming into who I am Today.. and now I am finding I align with other who have choose the hard path of digging through the shit to find themselves ANEW.. I'm not saying that's them, I am saying we are on different paths in life now.. we are in different elevators in the same building. 

 .. Also.. striving for Peace, and needing to part ways with a person because of it.. I also feel like the Love isn't there.. you might care deeply for the person.. but LOVE is something you don't give up on, you don't cast someone out if you love them. Well... then again maybe some people do.. I just know I can't.. if I love someone.. I cant just walk away.. I'm learning I can be pushed away and asked to stop. But it Breaks My Heart. Writing now.. still brings tears.. there is still so much loss here, the wound is getting smaller but parts of it are still fresh.

I haven't had these once friends in my life for over a year now.. I went through all the feels.. rejection.. trying to fix it.. anger.. extreme sadness.. trying to hard to find the silver lining, trying so hard to just let them go, cause they wanted to be. they were done. it was official. I just had to deal with it, I couldn't pretend, I couldn't act fake.. I never have been able to.. its just not me. My feelings and my truth are written all over my face and my expressions. 

I've journaled, talked, analyzed, cried .. Over the last few years I have learned a lot about Triggers.. I used to try to avoid them at all costs, I know now that doesn't help them stop.. changing my response to the trigger little by little, moment by moment.. is what eventually makes them go away. 

I've had moments where I felt like it would be easier to end a friendship if the person actually was completely out of your life, like if you never have to see them again.. I mean it would help.. it would be easier.. in my case.. I see them every so many weeks our paths cross, it is hard, its so hard.. I've thought about trying to change my life schedule to make it so I would never see them.. but I cant and that would just be yet another Band-Aid. 

I am determined to get to a place where I can smile and interact with them like I would a stranger.. instead of trying to avoid because of my hurt. I know it requires more processing .. that's why I choose to blog again, and maybe in so I can help Anyone else who has been through a friendship break up.. you are not alone! it does happen and it does hurt and it is grief and it does take a long while to process, when you are ready to do the work.

I really do wish them all the best in this life.

I'm letting go. again. today. like most days. 

Thank you for Reading, Natalie