5 years..

..and I still wake up lots of days and wish it was a bad dream. But sadly it is reality.

How can grief still be gut wrenching so long after a loss. How can the pain be so fresh, like it was today.

I think because, for those people.. the people in life that were so close to you, so close that sometimes it was hard to decipher between their feels or yours,, so close.. that literally when they died you did lose a large piece of yourself. This is why the loss retains its vibrancy.

I had plenty of times in life when i might have tried to distance myself from my mom.. trying to 'grow up' and be my own person. Or times i wanted to be nothing like her.

But in reality whether I like it or not at the time, my mom was the person I was most like and the one person I was closest too. So losing what once was my everything, has been a journey. Not a journey of trying to replace her.. or fill the whole she left.. but more of growing in other ways

Im like a tree in a way, I have lots of loves and limbs and people in my life. My mom was a very Large part, so that branch was lost when she died, it wont regrow.. but I will grow in other ways and keep living, I will always ALWAYS remember my mom, and think about her and talk about her.

I am her Legacy. And I love seeing so much of her in my children. I love realizing I sound just like her. I dont mind at all having similarities to my mom.. it is now heartwarming.

Small pieces of her are still here, Just takes patience and quietness to notice at times. And lots of times it is too hard for me to recognize that so I do tend to over busy myself. Which is something this pregnancy has helped me to refocus and try at least to not be moving and doing something all the time, It is okay to relax.. It is okay to sit and not do.. I is okay to sit and breathe..

I am always learning and growing thanks to the mom that always continued to herself,

I LOVE YOU MOM, miss you more then I can say or express.

love your darling daughter