Mom's Birthday

I have basically been up since 3am.. my alarm was set for 6am. I work at 9am. Might be a long day.

Today my mom, Donna would have been 61 years old. which means she has been gone for 4 years and 28 days. But she was here for 56 years and 11 months, 30 years and 2 months of which we had together.

I spent an hour this morning looking through old pictures.. there are so many of just me or her garden or her kitties. And then my mom was also an Auntie to a lot of people. Auntie Donna. Some were blood related some were not. My mom loved so many people. And so many people loved her.

She really was an amazing, inspiring woman.

I am trying so hard to celebrate her life. Which can be so trying.. so hard. Cause I am so hurt and angry that she is not here. That she has seemed to miss out on so much.

I still find it hard.. Seeing other girlfriends with their moms..  or even mentioning their moms or planning outings with their moms. it is especially had to see "generation" photos. I was never in a picture with my mom's mom, and Stella will never be with her mom's mom.

In ways it feels like grief doesn't get better .. like it gets worse. My mom, Donna.. will not be here in this physical world again.. I cannot hug her again or thank her again or complain to her or bond with her or kiss her cheek, that part is all over. It will never be again.. I cant time travel for a day or a moment, back to when she was well and full of life..

I hate thinking she has been gone almost half of Hayden's life. I don't believe he will ever forget my mom, but I know as an adult, how much my childhood memories have faded. And that makes me hurt more inside.

Along with my mom not meeting Stella, my mom never met my sister. I think my mom and Cassie would have been quick friends and my mom would have welcomed her with open arms.

There is no one like my mom. Donna Marie. I probably have more characteristics of her than anyone. I do, do many things that remind me of her. Like speaking my mind.. even when it may not be right or come out right or make any sense at all. For example.. when I was buying my car the other day the sales guy asked if anyone could co-sign for me.. And i very bluntly said.. well.. no, Nick isnt able and my parents are dead.. so unless you want my 10 year old son to sign for me.. its not going to happen.. and i kind of laugh smiled.. cause i just realized what i blurted out. .. the sales man, gave me an odd look, smiled and walked away.. 

I love my mom, I am one of a kind also. But am extremely thankful when I do things that remind me of her. Helps keep her with me in a small way.

I am not perfect and neither was she, but I do hope my children love me as much as I love her.  I t is a boundless endless love.

~Donna's Daughter