Neither of my parents made it to 60.. so I think therefore I get to live to their ages of life combined. 115 years old. Yep! Makes sense to me.
I think if she was here, we would have to Splurge like we did for her 50th and go somewhere super nice for her Birthday. On her 50th I took her out to Mortons Steakhouse. It was downtown off 7th street, it is no longer there. The original is still in Chicago though. we had Filet Mignon and Lobster followed by a Godiva Chocolate cake. it was a perfect evening. And I felt so good about paying for that bill, and for being financially able to do it. It was my first $200 dollar meal.
Or maybe she actually would have agreed to travel with me out of the country by now. Not a lot of people probably know this but my mom was a bit of a homebody. She liked to talk about traveling but when it came down to it.. she would rather do a stay-cation and be close to her kitties and her own bed. We talked about a few trips now and again. about how fun it would be to go to Euro-Disney and see Paris. Or going to New York at Christmas time and ice skating near the Rockefeller Christmas tree or attending the thanksgiving day parade. The last trip we talked about was going to San Francisco to see the sights and again go around Christmas time cause I had heard from an old client how beautiful they decorate there. I still have the note with the specific hotel we should stay at and what to see there.. its still on my fridge, even though we have moved and not its on a different fridge.
When I'm driving my new car lately I miss my old car, which was her car. I was always comforted in the fact it was her car. I know it was just a car. But it was a nice daily reminder of her existence. Once people have been gone for awhile.. in a weird way it kind of starts to feel like they were never there. Like it was all a movie or a long running tv show. It becomes harder to recall experiences and memories. That is one huge reason I am incredibly thankful my mom journal-ed. Even though there are some years I cant read yet. I'll get there. It is nice to find an entry here and there where she actually talks to me, cause she knew i would read it, eventually, once she was gone.
My mom always had a fear of dying before her 48th Birthday because thats how old her mom was when she died. Well she made it 8 more years.. I still wish it as 48 more years.. so she could have died old at 96 and seen her grandkids grow up and see me grow up for gods sake, cause i sure as hell wasnt grown when she died. the last 3 years i have grown leaps and bounds. Now in my 30's I feel my age and I feel like a grown up .. even with my crazy hair, its just hair.
I love you mom, I miss you and i will always wish you were here. no one is like you and no one will be like you, you were one of a kind. and you were my mom, and even though memories might get foggy they are written down and in pictures. if you could see me now mom, you would be so proud of the woman and mother and girlfriend i have become.
Your Darling Daughter Natalie.. Thats how i signed almost every card I ever gave my mom.. and yes she kept all of those too ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment