completely readable

Before I even know why I feel the way I do, those who know me already KNOW something is up. I have had sort of a scattered melancholy mood since Monday (maybe Sunday afternoon) morning. My first client Monday even asked if I was alright... which actually made me aware something was up.

Some people say fall/autumn is an emotional season, cause we are reminded of how things change and things die and such.. Which is fitting really, My mom's parents both passed away in the month of august, my mom in September, and her Birthday is in October, next Wednesday, the 17th.

I feel like I have blogged and thought and talked about this enough, but its funny how much I miss my mom in the normal everyday. Like when I go see a movie on a Sunday afternoon, or when I cook, or when I go to or even think about places we used to eat at. Life is just soo different. I guess the whole October Breast Cancer Awareness Month isn't helping much at all..  Just forces me to think about it, which I really don't like doing.

It takes me a few hours or a whole day even before I slow down to realize I am in a mood, Nick usually notices first most times, or friends or clients. Typically not me. There are like Three parts of me, one that wants to embrace the depth of the hole and lay in bed and cry and do nothing for days.. who knows how long.. Another part is the Ignoring, procrastinator she is the one that gets me through most situations. And then ME.. the one who realizes everything and knows everythign but at times chooses not dealing is better then dealing.

Some people say I have dealt with it, some people say I am re-hashing it, some people think I will explode any minute, and others probably just plain don't care about hearing about it anymore.

I guess this is my way of dealing, little bits, little memories, little day dreams at a time.

I loved my mom so much, and I am so GLAD she knew that. and vise versa.

~Natalie