today

Hi all,

Figured I should write.. since Its been A WHILE ..

The summer is flying by, the boys have found a game called MineCraft, they LOVE it, it is pretty interesting, and its hard work, cause you mine and create your own little world really. We have been to Valleyfair most weeks, atleast for a few hours. Been doing the kid thing, lots of water park time! The wave pool is pretty awesome.
Hoping Nick and I can get on a date night out there, so we can get on Steele Venom, Power Tower, Renegade and multiple times on the Extreme Swing. Mom really helped seed a strong love in amusement parks and thrill seeking.
My Birthday is on Saturday, 31 already, Another First for the year, First Birthday without My Mom, She was excellent at celebrating Birthdays. I wish I would have celebrated more of my adult birthdays with her, but we would always go out and do something special even if it wasn't on "the" day. It wasn't out of the ordinary to get a gift or two early, Birthdays with my mom tended to be celebrated so much that they felt like a real close second next to Christmas. Neck and neck some years.

My mom did so much for me. Im realizing my expectations are too high in a lot of areas. My mom always new what I would like or want, I dont know how she did .. probably just cause she was my mom and knew me for ever..  i miss her. She managed to not see me as flawed or needing work, but just saw me for me. I haven't even been able to do that. I'm always not enough, not understanding enough, not good enough, not bad enough, not happy enough, not energized enough,not caring enough, not giving enough, not loved enough, not worth enough, not perfect enough, not right enough, not helped enough.. something needs to change. but how?

Ive always tried to be perfect, to do everything right. But I'm not and I hardly succeed at it. which always leaves me kicking myself. I don't have much of a filter when it comes to how thing come out of my mouth. I always regret it, when I hurt people, especially those I love. It seems most people have a line they don't cross with sarcasm .. I have no such line.. wonder where I can draw one.. and how to. Is thinking before you speak hard for everyone else? cause it is insanely hard for me, instead of before, it always seems to be an after thought, which really doesn't help the situation. Once you say sorry a hundred times it tends to not have the same meaning. . even though I mean it just as much as I meant it the first time. It doesn't mean much to the person you are saying it to. Which seems to bring me back to the place where I kick myself. Hoping this is the year I break free, Thank you to all who have stayed close and remained patient. I love you.

Life changes so much in a year.
Wonder what this next year will hold.

How will I grow and change this year..

How will I stay the same..
.. me