A New Year

This isn't going to be as deep and insightful as I was thinking my First post of the year would be.. But at least I am posting!

I did get a little sad at 11:30pm last night, I was out with some friends hanging out and talking to people at a friends house. And I just zoned out for like 20 minutes.. thinking about all the changes in the past year.. part of me wanted to just cry.. and cry.. but another part was refreshed and relieved.. and thankful almost.

Cause whatever good was in Ben and I's marriage was gone LONG ago.. and even if we were together this new years and celebrating our 5 year anniversary in February.. It would be awful. It would have been depressing. It would have felt dark. And like the last 3 or so years happiness would have been just out of reach. I play all these different senario's in my head sometimes.. where Ben and I are still together.. and this all never happened. Or he comes back.. and says he loves me.. but I KNOW .. with out a shadow of a doubt that things are OVER and that really deep down.. even though it hurts so much. It is a good thing that we are over. With all the hurt between us. . . I just am not sure we will ever really be "friends" was are co-parents, we are nice to each other and i think thats about all it will ever be.. Maybe by some point some day many years down the line after we are both remarried.. maybe then.. we can consider each other friends. But not now.. I just can't go there. I am too hurt. Too crushed. I feel too used and lied too. Over the years. I have lost so much.. So many..

BUT! I have gained so much too! I have new growing friendships with old and new friends. I have my son that I don't see nearly enough.. and he grows up more and more every minute of every day. I have my mom and always will. I have my aunt. I have family. I have friends I can confide in who i know don't judge me. But they still tell me like it is. I am gaining myself again.. I lost myself trying to fix my marriage and all the problems I could never solve alone. I was trying to carry the marriage all on my own.. I was trying so hard.. but yet it was never enough. But that's because my partner in my marriage quit long before telling me so.

In a weird way I know what it feels like to be lead on..

What will this year bring? a ME revolution.. a Natalie makeover.. Finding myself anew not again. I will never be what I was.. and I don't want to be that naive girl. I am a Strong woman. I can take what life gets me and deal and I can dish it out. This year may bring a new man into my life, but with time. I need to continue working one me. And I need to be comfortable with every single thing about myself. I need to be comfortable alone and secure in who I am. I need to learn how to take care of myself and not just everyone around me.

2009 is going to be awesome and I am going to remember every moment of it, and enjoy being single and being me and being a mom.

~Natalie