Learning. Change. Life.

I was reading up on a friends site, and thought.. man I wish I wrote on mine more! Sometimes I feel like I need something cool or fun to write about. When in reality I do this more for me then for anyone reading it. Though it is nice to keep friends and family up on whats going on in our life.

Been learning a lot lately. Things like how to listen better. How to find good things in people. How to be a better person. I think these are all things everyone eventually learns and relearns along the way. I put in Carrie Underwood's older CD the other day, and really identified with the song lessons learned. I think it could be my theme song right now. I wish I was techy enough to get the song up on here. :)

Here is an address to a video of her singing the song
http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=32799

And here are the read-able lyrics.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

It is so true.. How the past can't be re-written.. or changed.. its just gone.. its happened. And its over. That has been something that is hard for me. I tend to have a "fix it" personality. Even if something was my fault.. and it was horrible in one or more persons eyes.. I try to do everything in my power to "right" the situation. And in reality.. what I do is never enough, the damage has been done. Maybe time will change things.. or circumstances.. or God will intervene. All things like that are beyond my control. I can forgive them and pray they can learn to forgive me.

I hold on to things for so long.. grieving old friendships.. or just the way things were. Growing up is so hard to do. But it is something almost all of seem to manage to do.

I had a nickname growing up from 17 till 21. It was Mouth.. I think it started just cause I was a loud mouth.. I got it from one of our youth pastors. It has been one of those names I wasn't sure if I liked but.. endured it. I don't mid it so much now.. now that I will be 27 in a month. But I think.. recently that nickname has helped me realize.. I wasn't only a "loud" mouth.. but I was also a "big" mouth. I was never a good secret keeper.. which means in someways I was probably never the best friend.. And I got in trouble with my friends a lot for that. When I was 21 & 22 I really noticed this.. and began trying very hard to correct this horrible habit I had developed over teenage -dom. Little did I know.. even though I was trying so very hard to be the best friend, and keep secrets and earn my trust.. that those things I said years before.. would come back to haunt me and hurt my friendships. And ruin some.

So in the last few years.. this week I have noticed.. I have kind of pushed people away just because it hurts so much to lose friendships you invested so much in.. so why try again.. why get hurt again.. I sincerely believe and know I have gotten a heck of a lot better in the "big" mouth area.. It amazes me that something that starts so simple, gets such a hold of you and your thoughts and words.

I have 4 really good friends right now. I'm not perfect and neither are they.

~Nat-a-tat